3 Essentials to a Successful Long-Distance Relationships

How to stay strong as a couple when often apart

Long-distance relationships are a vast and complex topic, shaped by many different layers of experience and circumstance. They include the emotional and practical effects of distance on the couple relationship, as well as the challenges and opportunities of coming back together after time apart and learning how to leave well again. Couples also navigate conflict and repair from a distance, which requires intentional communication, emotional awareness, and strong relational skills. This (and the following strategies) is also true for any time spent apart, even if technically you don’t view your relationship as strictly ‘long-distance’.

Communication itself becomes a key focus, including the use of different media such as phone calls, messaging, video calls, and asynchronous communication. Technology also plays an important role in maintaining connection and intimacy across distance, helping couples stay present in each other’s daily lives despite geographical separation.

Trust is another central theme, influencing how secure and connected partners feel when apart. Long-distance relationships also vary depending on the couple stage—whether newly together or long-term partners, with or without children, how frequently they see each other, and how far apart they live.

Practical realities such as time zones further shape daily rhythms and emotional availability, often requiring flexibility and planning. At the same time, it is important to recognise the benefits and reasons behind long-distance arrangements, which can include career opportunities, personal growth, and a deeper intentionality in how couples build and maintain their relationship.

And there is a lot of generic advice on social media.

Here are three essential for a successful LDR. If you want to listen to it instead of reading this blog, listen to Episode 95 of the Holding the Fort Abroad Podcast where I also read excerpts from my book ‘Holding the Fort Abroad’.

Create a Joint Life Across the Distance

Creating a joint life in a long-distance relationship takes intentional effort. Couples who spend significant time apart can easily fall into separate routines, focused only on logistics, parenting, schedules, or survival. But strong long-distance couples protect emotional intimacy by continuing to share everyday life, not just major events. Small conversations, daily stories, photos, shared projects, future plans, and regular couple time help maintain connection and prevent emotional distance.

In long-distance marriage and expat family life, staying emotionally connected matters just as much as managing practical responsibilities. Sharing ordinary moments helps couples feel involved in each other’s realities and strengthens the sense of “us” despite frequent travel or separation.

Work on a project together, whether it is planning a holiday, building a family dream, supporting a shared passion, or creating future goals as a couple. Make plans together so your relationship continues moving forward with shared purpose and anticipation. Share daily trivia and ordinary moments, because even the small details of everyday life help couples remain emotionally connected across the distance.

Building a joint life means creating shared experiences, nurturing friendship, and remaining emotionally present even when living in different places.

From Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 3 pp63-67

Communication in LDRs Are More than Logistics

In a long-distance relationship or frequent travel lifestyle, communication can easily become centred around schedules, parenting, finances, and problem-solving. While logistics matter, strong couples know that emotional connection requires much more than managing daily responsibilities.

Healthy long-distance couples intentionally create space for friendship, emotional intimacy, and shared experiences. Use the distance to your advantage by finding creative ways to stay connected. Share an activity together such as reading the same book, watching a documentary, playing an online game, taking walks while video-calling, or planning future dreams together. Shared activities create common references and strengthen togetherness despite physical distance.

Regular date times also matter. Long-distance couples may not always manage traditional date nights, but intentional phone dates, video calls, or exciting shared experiences help maintain closeness and friendship. Small daily interactions such as saying good morning, checking in during the day, or sharing ordinary moments build consistency and emotional security.

Communication in a strong relationship includes different types of conversations: daily check-ins, logistical discussions, parenting decisions, and conversations about the relationship itself. Too often, emotional intimacy gets pushed aside by busyness and practical demands. Couples who thrive intentionally make time to talk about their needs, dreams, goals, challenges, and how they can support one another through seasons of separation.

Long-distance marriage success is not built only on efficiency and organisation, but on staying emotionally connected, remaining curious about each other’s inner world, and continuing to invest in friendship while apart.

From Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 3 pp73-77

Explore the Communication Across the Distance course inside the Resource Centre.

Know Yourself and Know Your Partner

Strong long-distance relationships are built on more than love alone. Couples who spend significant time apart need to understand themselves, understand each other deeply, and continue updating that knowledge as life changes. Dr John Gottman calls this having an up-to-date “love map” — knowing your partner’s world, their stresses, dreams, fears, values, goals, and emotional realities. Distance can slowly create separate lives if couples stop staying curious about one another.

It is important to know what matters most to you and to your partner. What are your core values? What helps each of you feel loved, respected, safe, and emotionally connected? Understanding your communication styles also matters greatly in long-distance communication, where so much depends on phone calls, messages, and video conversations without the benefit of physical presence or body language.

Cultural values and communication styles can also strongly affect long-distance relationships, especially in intercultural or internationally mobile families. Some cultures communicate very directly, saying exactly what they think or need, while others communicate more indirectly, expecting the other person to read between the lines or notice emotional cues. In some cultures, apologising quickly is considered healthy and respectful, while in others apologies may feel shameful, unnecessary, or difficult to express verbally. Even asking for help can carry very different meanings depending on someone’s upbringing, family culture, or national culture. One partner may openly ask for support, while the other may expect help to be offered without needing to ask.

These differences often become amplified during separation, stress, fatigue, or difficult phone calls across time zones. What sounds cold, demanding, distant, or dismissive may sometimes simply be a different communication pattern or cultural framework rather than a lack of love or commitment.

Attachment styles can also affect how couples experience distance and connection. Some people become anxious and seek reassurance, while others withdraw, shut down emotionally, or need more space under stress. Understanding attachment patterns helps couples interpret reactions with more compassion and communicate more intentionally during seasons of separation.

This video explains attachment styles and their impact on long-distance relationships and couples who spend a lot of time apart. You can take this quiz to find out your attachment style.

Knowing your partner well means continuing to learn who they are in the present, not assuming you already know them based on the past. Strong couples keep asking questions, sharing openly, and growing in understanding together.

The Apart but Together Resource Centre includes a course on communication across the distance which will help reveal where conflict might arise due to your different communication backgrounds.

From Book Excerpt: Chapter 3 p77

Long-Distance Relationship: How to Build A Joint Life

Find out 6 strategies to ensure you build a joint life instead of living separate lives and get my free Shared Life Audit delivered to your inbox: a short reflection tool to help you spot early signs of living parallel lives and identify one action to strengthen connection this month.

The Apart But Together Resource Centre

If you want to go deeper and find out more, you can find the following top tip sheets and workshops in my Resource Centre Apart But Together: Resources for Split Location Families

These resources are specifically designed for couples who spend time apart:

• Playful and easy games
• Communication Course
• Maximise your phone calls
• Top Tips for Connecting Across Difficult Timezone Differences
• Repairs after conflict when geographically apart
• How humour can improve your relationship
• Reflection questions – being a strong couple when living apart

Reflection Prompts

Here are a few questions you can use as reflection prompts. If you want the full list of questions, you can download it here.

• What currently makes us feel like a team rather than two people managing separate lives?
• What is something new we could build together even while apart?
• When was the last time we had a conversation that was not about calendars, children, travel, finances, or problems to solve?
• Under stress, do I tend to pursue connection, withdraw, become controlling, over-function, or shut down?

Further Resources

• Gregory Guldner, ‘Long DIstance Relationships: The Complete Guide’ 
• John Gottman ‘7 Principles for Making Marriage Work’

HTFA Podcast Episodes about Long-Distance Relationships:

• #5 Facing the Challenges of Expat Life Together – Vivian Chiona
• #16 Relationship Caregiving – Dr Wiebke Anton
• #24 Myths that threaten Split Location Marriages – Jennie Linton
• #37 Love Knows No Borders: Connection and Intimacy in long-distance relationships – with Phillips Hwang
• #72 Long-Distance Love: Handling Porn, Apps and Real Talk – with Karina Lagarrigue
• #81 Improve your long distance relationships with attachment – with Bryan Power
• #86 (Re) Build Intimacy in Long Distance Relationships – with Dr. Veronique Elefant-Yanni

Frequently Asked Questions About Long-Distance Relationships

How often should long-distance couples communicate? Despite what many influencers say on social media, there isn’t really a set amount of times a long-distance couple should communicate. Watch out for the content of your conversations instead.

Can long-distance marriages survive? Absolutely! I have interviewed and talked to so many couples where one of them is frequently away for work or have been living long-distance for years. What’s important is how intentional you are about connecting and what you put in place to support yourself and your spouse/partner. Think of it as two elements connected via electricity. They can be very far apart and well connected with the right connectors. Take those connectors away and there’s a disconnect.

What causes long-distance relationships to fail? When you and your spouse/partner live geographically apart in a long-distance relationship, the risk is that you drift into living two separate lives. You are each living separate experiences and it can be hard to bridge the gap. Focus on creating a joint narrative, a joint story as a couple. That will help.

How do you maintain intimacy when apart? The emphasis is about healing our own wounds from our childhood or our past years as an adult. Spend time understanding what intimacy means for you, take time to heal. This will go a long way to improving intimacy in your relationship whether you are often apart or live under the same roof! Episodes 37 and 72 cover this topic exclusively.