Up to 20% of expats go on assignment without their partner (Kallane, 2014).
What this means for the families and organisations:
Challenges for the families:
- Role strain: Constant pull between fulfilling both role of parent and role as employee. Stress, Mental health issues, disconnect from family, difficulties reentering family life after absence - Potential for Burnout
- Marital strain
- Complete disconnect with grown up children
- Children have ambiguous grief
Challenges for the organisation:
- Difficulty recruiting for these positions
- Staff burnout and lack of engagement / productivity
- High turnover: If family gives ultimatum, the organisation faces loss of highly skilled and experienced workers
‘Should my husband go to Kabul and I stay in Switzerland with the boys?’
That was the question that confronted me in early 2019. Within a few weeks, we met couples who had lived geographically apart for work assignments…and made it work…
What? It’s not crazy?
All the conversations my husband and I had in the months preceding our decision for him to go on a two year non-family duty station with the Swiss Foreign Office helped us realise that:
many families choose for one parent to go on assignment alone. We would not be the only ones doing it. There is up to an estimated 20% of expats who go on assignment without their partner (Kallane, 2014)
My husband had travelled a lot during our marriage, often to dangerous places. Frequent work travel has its own challenges and had prepared us to a certain extent.
There was lots we could do to make this work.
My Personal Story
I decided to find out how the families we were meeting were making split family assignments work for them. How were they thriving? What were the challenges and pitfalls?
I spoke to adults who had lived this family model as children, and those who had lived with a partner working away from home, sometimes for years. I interviewed couple therapists, wellness coaches, parenting experts to learn how to keep my relationship alive and make sure my children didn’t feel they had lost a parent.
Apart from the one on one conversations I was having, and the information I was gleaning for my own life and family, there was nothing online I could find that could help me. And yet I was discovering all these common challenges that families like ours were facing, receiving so much great advice and finding out so many great resources that can help with this lifestyle.
I had to share all this. My book ‘Holding the Fort Abroad’ was written as I was living a split assignment, in real time. It encompasses the essentials for a ‘holding the fort’ partner not to drown in the pressures and stresses a split family assignment can lead to for the parent staying at home with the children.
Readers wrote to me saying they were finding closure for a life they had led, vocabulary to talk about it, that my book helped them to keep going.
Humanitarian Organisations and Diplomatic Foreign Services such as the World Food Program, the Swiss Foreign Service, the World Bank were contacting me to give talks and workshops for staff and their families. Employers were realising that there were major challenges for their staff and their families on non-family duty stations and unaccompanied postings. Their families were responding positively to their employers taking this seriously.
A few years later, in April 2022, the Holding the Fort Podcast was born as a way to share the conversations I was having. Interviews delve into the impact of frequent business travel and living geographically apart, parenting, making this lifestyle work. I curate resources that can work well for the demands of this way of life.
There are a few academic studies on split family assignments but there definitely needs more. That is why I decided to start a Masters. You can find out more about my research here.
Build a Solid Foundation
‘I am drowning, something is wrong with me’
Hearing this broke my heart. The person who told me this was living in a her husband’s country, they had just moved, had a young toddler and her husband was gone for work.
‘It’s not you,’ I assured her, ‘it’s the life you are leading. You are facing challenges that many others in similar situations are facing and you need to be intentional in how you create what you need for yourself and your family for this lifestyle to be sustainable.’ Going through the resources in the resources center and working through my 5 pillar framework helps you to build a solid foundation for that sustainability journey. If this is you, now you know that you are not alone and that you have resources to support you.
‘We’re hesitating about one of us taking on a position that means we cannot be together’
This is also a dilemma I hear often. There are many aspects to take into consideration when deciding whether or not to take a split family assignment. Going through my 5 pillar framework gives you the essentials to consider and helps you take a decision that is aligned with your values and goals and that allows you to take a measured decision together.
Well-being
Increasing focus on personal well-being and managing stress is a must.
Partnership
You don’t want to end up living separate lives. Strengthen your partnership.
Parenting
No reason why parenting should be all on one set of shoulders. There are ways to parent together.
Transitions
Transitions are an integral part of this life. Learn how to navigate them smoothly and with confidence.
Emergencies
Expect some unexpected bumps and be prepared. Emergencies hit differently when you are geographically separate.
Where to Start?
I am convinced that organisations need to support the staff that they send on these trips and unaccompanied assignments. They are asking far more from their staff than a 9-5! It will also be in the company’s benefit if potential candidates know that family is important to their employer. Offering pre-split-assignment preparation, ongoing 1:1 support and resources for these posts will undoubtedly help with retention, recruitement and staff wellbeing. If you want to know where to start, find out more here.
Take a look around the site: you can read more about my story and strategies to make it work in my book ‘Holding the Fort Abroad’. In the podcast, I interview people who live it and various experts to find out their tips on how to make it work. Check out the resource center here. It will take you through many resources that will help you strengthen your personal development and well-being, your couple relationship, your parenting together, your preparedness for emergencies and give you resources for the many transitions you face as you live this life.
As a certified coach, I can also support you one-on-one so that you can overcome the challenges this life can bring to enjoy its silver linings. Find out more here.
Holding The Fort Abroad
If you are a 'holding the fort' parent with a partner often away from home, take this quiz to check your vulnerability level and how to reenforce your defenses so that you can thrive as an individual and a family despite the physical distance.