For many foreign service families, few decisions feel as weighty as accepting an unaccompanied tour. Whether it is your first time considering one or your third, the questions can feel overwhelming. Should you spend a year or more apart? What will it mean for your marriage? Your children? Your career? Your family’s future? Sometimes the decision is made for you. Certain postings do not allow spouses or partners to accompany the employee. Other assignments prohibit children because of security concerns, limited medical facilities, or educational restrictions.

But even when a posting is offered, accepting it is still a choice.

My husband has done two unaccompanied postings. I know that the decision is rarely as simple as looking at the assignment itself. Behind every posting are conversations about values, sacrifice, career ambitions, family needs, finances, and the realities of living apart. The question is not simply: “Can we do it?” The better question is: “Is this the right decision for us, right now?”

The Criteria Couples Often Use

As you evaluate an unaccompanied tour, you are actually balancing several competing priorities.

Career Considerations

For some, the posting represents a significant career opportunity. It may provide:

• A promotion pathway
• Valuable field experience
• Increased visibility within the organisation
• Access to future assignments
• Financial incentives

The question becomes: If we say no, what opportunities might we be closing? But equally important is asking: If we say yes, what might the cost be?

Impact on the Relationship

Some couples have already spent years managing separations and feel confident in their ability to navigate another one. Others know they are entering a particularly vulnerable season. You might ask yourselves:

• How strong is our communication currently?
• How do we handle conflict when we are apart?
• Have previous separations strengthened us or strained us?
• Do we have trust and transparency in place?
• Are we already feeling disconnected?

An unaccompanied tour rarely fixes existing relationship challenges. In many cases, distance amplifies whatever is already present.

Children’s Needs

For families with children, the decision becomes more complex. Questions often include:

• What developmental stage are the children in?
• How will they experience the parent’s absence?
• Are there upcoming transitions, exams, or milestones?
• What support systems will remain in place?
• How resilient are the children to previous separations?

Every child responds differently. There is no universal formula.

The Home-Based Partner’s Reality

One of the most overlooked considerations is the experience of the partner who stays behind. The home-based spouse is often expected to carry:

• Parenting responsibilities
• Household management
• Emotional labour
• Practical decision-making
• Their own career and personal goals

The conversation cannot focus solely on the employee’s opportunity. It must also consider the life of the person who remains at home.

Family Values

Sometimes the answer becomes clearer when couples step back from logistics and look at their values. What matters most to your family at this stage?

• Adventure?
• Stability?
• Financial security?
• Career progression?
• Educational continuity?
• Time together?

There is no universally correct answer. There is only the answer that aligns with your family’s priorities.

The Decision Is About More Than the Posting

Many families realise too late the weight of an unaccompanied tour because they only evaluated the assignment. In reality, they are making a decision about:

• Their relationship
• Their family culture
• Their future goals
• Their capacity for sacrifice
• Their support systems
• Their values

A posting is simply the context in which those questions appear.

If You’re Struggling to Decide

I have seen many couples and families succeed and remain connected when one parent has gone on an unaccompanied tour. But it takes intentional conversations and actions. It takes a support team of unpaid and paid help to minimise the impact of physical absence of a parent. If you and your partner keep going around in circles, this is exactly why I created my decision-making framework for internationally mobile couples.

In a focused 90-minute session, we explore the practical, emotional, relational, and values-based factors influencing your choice so that you can move forward with greater clarity and confidence.

The goal is not for me to tell you what to do.

The goal is to help you make a decision that both partners can stand behind. Taking the decision together and both being able to stand by your reasons and motivations for choosing it, is essential for peace of mind and stress reduction when the going gets tough down the line.

Considering an Unaccompanied Tour?

If you’re weighing an unaccompanied assignment and would like a structured way to evaluate the decision, book a 90-minute decision session. Together we’ll explore the factors that matter most to your family and help you gain clarity on the path forward.