Loving Across Borders: How to Use the 5 Love Languages in Your Long-Distance Relationship

Living apart for work or global mobility? Discover how the five love languages can help couples stay emotionally connected in long-distance relationships across borders and time zones.

Right now, my husband is in Mexico and I’m in the UK.

Which means a lot of our marriage and parenting currently happens on WhatsApp:  think messages, photos, cat memes, political rants and voice notes. We’re not always tuned into each other.

Yesterday, for example, we were having what I thought was a heartfelt conversation via Whatsapp, meanwhile my partner was fixing the kitchen tap. Halfway through our conversation, he stopped mid-sentence to shout at Urian (family cat), who was chewing his way through the phone cable. Then he asked why our son was texting him at midnight. (I have absolutely no idea why.) Then he said, “Right, got to go to the gym, speak Sunday” and hung up.

Not all our conversations are like this, but some days they are. It’s not all intentional and heartfelt. It’s often a bit messy. 

We all know that living across borders because of global mobility, international assignments, and overseas work can sometimes make staying connected feel challenging. Phone calls and messages can be more about logistics than love. But distance doesn’t automatically weaken relationships. Emotional closeness doesn’t depend entirely on living in the same house. With intention, and the occasional rant at the cat, couples and families can stay deeply connected.

One framework that often comes up in relationship conversations is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The idea is simple: people tend to express and experience love in different ways. Understanding what makes someone feel valued can help ensure your affection lands where it matters most.

If you’re curious, you can also take the Official Love Language Quiz online to discover which language resonates most with you.

Here’s how the five love languages can show up when you’re living in different countries (and sometimes in different time zones).

Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation

For some people, love is felt most strongly through encouraging and appreciative words.

When you’re living apart, this is probably one of the easiest love languages to practice, and one of the easiest to overlook.

A quick message before a big meeting, a voice note at the end of the day or a “thinking of you” text are all meaningful to someone who loves words of affirmation. 

Words can carry emotional presence when physical presence isn’t possible.

A little while back, I pulled a bit of a stealth ninja move and slipped a card into my partner’s luggage with 20 things to remember. Some were the romantic kind, like you’re loved and others were more practical tips… such as here’s a great website for ordering flowers online (it’s good to say what you need).

Love Language 2: Quality Time

Quality Time is about focused attention.

When couples live apart, that means being intentional. It might be scheduling a weekly video call, watching the same series at the same time, or simply sitting down to talk without multitasking.

Which, as I’m learning, ideally means not fixing a tap while talking to your loved one, (unless they are a plumber and can offer some good advice!). 

Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts

This love language isn’t about expensive presents. It’s about thoughtful gestures that say I was thinking about you. Although I did receive some very beautiful flowers for our anniversary, so sometimes the expense is worth it!

A favourite book sent in the post. A surprise delivery on a stressful day. A small gift tucked into someone’s luggage so they find it weeks later.

Little reminders can travel across borders surprisingly well.

Love Language 4: Acts of Service

For some people, love shows up through practical support.

Even from another country, partners can lighten each other’s load, arranging deliveries, helping organise travel plans, or handling paperwork that someone else doesn’t have time for.

Acts of service are interesting because they work both ways: they help the person receiving them, but they also make the person doing them feel useful and connected.

In long-distance relationships, that feeling matters.

Love Language 5: Physical Touch

This is often the hardest love language when you’re apart.

You can’t send a hug through a phone call (yet), and WhatsApp hasn’t quite cracked the technology of long-distance cuddles.

But when reunions happen, those small physical moments: hugs, sitting close, holding hands, can feel especially meaningful.

Some couples also keep physical reminders nearby: a hoodie, a blanket, something that quietly says home.

A New Perspective on Love Languages

While the framework is popular, some newer discussions in psychology suggest love languages may sometimes reflect unmet needs or past emotional wounds, rather than simply personality preferences.

For example, someone who didn’t receive much affirmation growing up may feel especially moved by praise as an adult. Seen this way, love languages can still have huge value in our relationships, and are still an invitation to understand each other more deeply.

We’re All a Work in Progress

Long-distance relationships aren’t tidy. Sometimes the cat eats the phone cable, your partner is distracted, the world is spinning too fast and you’re just too tired. 

But connection doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from showing up, however you are feeling, in whatever ways we can. Across borders, time zones, school exams, and the occasional plumbing repair.

A Question for You

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, I’d love to know: What’s your favourite way of showing love? 

Jane Ordaz Stubbs is currently navigating her long-distance family life.  You can find her here https://thevirtualwingwoman.com/ and here: Linkedin.