Five strategies to build stable relationships in the Humanitarian and Development Sector

Four key stressors to be aware of, five strategies and six magic hours for those looking to build stable, emotionally close romantic relationships with someone they love while pursuing a humanitarian career

In episode #79 of Holding the Fort Abroad, I talk with Julia Paulsson, a humanitarian specialist, relationship coach, and researcher. She recently completed a Master’s thesis on couple satisfaction, offering insights valuable for anyone in high-mobility or long-distance relationships. What caught my attention in her study was that 12% of participants working as humanitarians or development aid workers were in split location and 24% alternated between living in the same place and living geographically separate. This is reflected in the findings. 

The conversation focused not only on the challenges couples face, but practical strategies for sustaining strong partnerships.

“This is a call to those who are working to say, what are your priorities? Are you giving the time that’s necessary for your relationships as well as for your work?” Rhoda Bangerter 

Listen to the full episode HERE.

The Heart of the Matter: Relationships for Humanitarians Aren’t Just Background Noise

Strong relationships are the biggest predictor of health and happiness—yet in the aid world, they’re tested like an “extreme sport.” Constant moves, time apart, and relentless emergencies strain even resilient couples.

Key Stressors for relationships for humanitarians and development workers

• Work Overload: The pressure to prioritize crises and deadlines often pushes personal life to the margins.
• Split-Location Living: Common but not necessarily harmful—success depends on clear strategies and agreements.
• Accompanying Spouses: Many feel their lives are overshadowed, facing career stalls, identity loss, and financial strain.
• Gendered Experiences: Women in the aid sector often face social scrutiny for working away from home and fewer workplace supports compared to men.

Five Intentional Strategies to build stable romantic relationships

Julia’s research uses evidence-backed strategies that resilient couples use, which can be helpful whether you’re living in the same place or miles apart: 

1. Practice Commitment
Thriving couples use ‘commitment as an anchor’  actively showing up: keeping promises, protecting each other’s interests, and choosing connection daily, even across continents.

2.Honor Individuality
Resilient couples support personal and shared ambitions, take turns leading moves, and make space for non-work dreams.

3.Prioritize the Couple
Time together comes first, with rituals like Zoom meals, call-walks, or bedtime video messages to keep connection alive.

4.Communication and difficult conversations
Successful couples have learned how to have difficult conversations, renegotiate roles, and balance every negative exchange with several positive ones.

5.Set Clear Boundaries
They agree on boundaries: set limits on time apart (example three months for one participant), agree which types of roles and postings are acceptable, consider minimum standards for example, schooling and healthcare. This gives both partners agency.

Six Magic Hours: The Gottman-Inspired Rituals of Connection

Borrowing from the research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Julia highlights the idea of “six magic hours” rituals and touchpoints that keep the relationship alive. 

These include:

• Meaningful partings and reunions (even through messages if apart)
• Expressions of appreciation and admiration
• Affection (both physical and emotional, even if fostered via tech or tangible reminders)
• Intentional time together (date nights, virtual cooking, shared projects)
• “State of the Union” meetings for both appreciation and constructive feedback

These small daily and weekly practices form the glue that keeps couples connected through chaos. Free Download:  6 Hours to a Better Relationship 

Spotlight on Time Spent Apart

A. Relationship Satisfaction

• Contrary to common assumptions, her study found that couples living apart in split locations had comparable levels of relationship satisfaction to those who always lived together. Julia emphasized that “being in different locations in itself does not predict relationship satisfaction.” The structure of the relationship (together or apart) isn’t as significant as how the couple actually manages the distance and accompanying stressors.

B. Terminology

• Participants described “split location” in various ways—using terms like “long distance,” “different locations,” or simply “alternating living arrangements.”

C. Unique Stressors

• In split setups, the lines between work and personal life can become even more blurred. Without a partner physically present to encourage boundaries (“hey, log off your emails”), aid workers reported it was easy for professional demands to consume all aspects of life.

D. Physical Affection While Apart

• This area is particularly challenging; couples find substitute strategies (e.g., sending personal items, digital touchpoints, or creative technology use), but nothing fully replaces physical closeness.

E. Gender Dynamics

• Women who were the primary traveler or aid worker faced additional scrutiny, stigma, and challenges around balancing caregiving, with research noting lower rates of marriage and children among female aid workers.

Our Key Takeaway

Maintaining a strong relationship in aid work isn’t about being superhuman; it’s about being intentional. 

“My conclusion is that at the end of the day, what matters is the strategies that couples use to navigate the stress. And this is sort of then what mediates between the stressors and the couple’s satisfaction”. Julia Paulsson

Whether you’re in the aid sector, married to someone who is, or simply navigating a mobile lifestyle, these insights are a blueprint for keeping love not just alive—but thriving.

Relationships in aid work needn’t be collateral damage—they can be your greatest resource.

Want more?

Listen to the full episode of Holding the Fort Abroad featuring Julia Paulsson, and check out the show notes for specific strategy links and recommended reading.

Try incorporating one of the “six magic hours” rituals into your week—and see the shift for yourself.

And let’s keep talking: come and say hi on Linkedin