I Hate When My Husband Travels for Work

Do you hate it when your husband travels for work? Not because you don’t love him. Not because you don’t support his career. Not because you don’t understand why he has to go.

You hate what it does to your family. You hate the chaos when he packs, the chaos when he comes back. You hate making every decision alone. The mental load when he is away feels overwhelming. You hate the empty chair at dinner, the bedtime routines without him, when the children cry because they miss him and those moments when something wonderful or something terrible happens and he isn’t there.

For a long time, I felt the same way. I felt resentment and even anger that he got to have a great career and travel when he wanted and I was stuck at home.

Yet, we had chosen this life. We had made these decisions together. His work mattered. His work helped people. Surely I should simply be grateful. Instead, I found myself becoming increasingly exhausted. And increasingly resentful.

If you are feeling the same, you are not alone. But things do not have to stay that way.

The resentment nobody talks about

When people think about work travel, they often imagine airport lounges, hotel breakfasts and frequent flyer miles. They rarely think about the partner left at home.

They don’t see the school forms, the broken washing machine, the sick child at 2 a.m., the endless logistics or the emotional weight of being “on” all the time.

When I wrote Holding the Fort Abroad, I wanted to give words to an experience that so many families were living but so few were naming.

As I wrote in the introduction:

“It is high time we start talking, in its own right, about life abroad with a travelling partner.”

Exactly.

Because pretending everything is fine doesn’t make it easier.

I remember the jealousy

When we lived in New York, my husband travelled to almost every continent. Meanwhile I was learning to navigate Manhattan with two small children, trying to find schools, settling into a new country and building a new life. I still remember seeing photographs of him eating sushi in Japan while I was changing nappies, managing tantrums and wondering whether I would ever have a conversation with another adult.

I write in my book:

“These were the years that I was most jealous of his travels. Seeing a photo of him eating sushi in Japan got my juices flowing with envy.”

It wasn’t really about Japan. It was about freedom. It was about feeling that one person’s world was expanding while mine had become very, very small.

The day everything caught up with me

One of the defining moments in my journey happened in an underground supermarket car park in Switzerland. I had a young baby. I’d recently moved countries. I’d gone back to work. I had stopped breastfeeding. My husband was away in Darfur.

I climbed into the driver’s seat and simply broke down. The tears came from somewhere deep inside me and I couldn’t stop them. This wasn’t an isolated incident. I felt life was just too hard and couldn’t find my way out. Like being on a fast-moving train and wanting to get off but not knowing how. I eventually saw a doctor and I explained everything that had happened over the previous two years. He looked at me kindly and asked one simple question: “Don’t you think it’s a lot for one person?” I have never forgotten those words. Because until then, I had been trying to convince myself that I should be coping. Instead, someone finally acknowledged what I couldn’t admit to myself. Yes. It was a lot.

Invest In Yourself

I was resentlful for over a decade. And then I realised resentment is born from a feeling of injustice, of being dealt an unfair hand. And I can see how my husband’s work can make me feel like he is getting the better deal in this. What changed was me taking responsiblity for the ways in which I needed to be supported. Asking for it, using money he was earning to invest in my own development. To make sure that this life worked for me too. It helped so much. In fact, it changed everything. And that took nothing away from him, or his career, or his personal fulfilment. On the contrary, seeing me fulfilled and finally taking ownership filled him with joy and pride. Now I am not saying that everything is always perfect and that I never feel the feeling of resentment start popping up again from time to time Thoughts may appear in my head along the lines of ‘why does he get to go when he wants and I don’t’ but does he really have that much freedom? I remind myself now that he is also working within certain confines and boundaries.

My husband didn’t stop travelling. In fact, there have been seasons where he has travelled more than ever, including living in another country for extended periods of time. What changed was me. I stopped pretending I was okay when I wasn’t . I learned to acknowledge resentment instead of suppressing it. I built a life that was bigger than simply waiting for my husband to come home. I invested in friendships. I worked on my own personal growth. I developed my own career. It’s slow, it’s not as far along as I would want it. It’s not as far along as it would likely be if we weren’t married or he wasn’t travelling. But I am taking the long-view. And we are building a life together which includes his highly unique set of skills. What else helped? I learned to communicate what I needed instead of expecting him to read my mind. We are still learning to listen to each other, include the other’s needs and seek the other’s best interests in all things.

If you want to read more, click the link to my blogpost How to Find Peace When Your Husband Travels for Work – Rhoda Bangerter

If this is you today

Perhaps you secretly hate it when your partner leaves for another trip. Perhaps you’re counting down the days until they come home while simultaneously dreading another departure, or you’re exhausted or you’re resentful. Perhaps you’ve stopped recognising yourself. Can I tell you something? You are not failing. You are carrying a life that asks a great deal of you.

The answer isn’t pretending everything is fine. The answer is getting the support you need and acknowledging that the life you and your partner lead is a life that has specific benefits and challenges. After more than twenty years of living this life, countless conversations with families around the world, a master’s degree researching parental work travel, and writing Holding the Fort Abroad, I can honestly say this: It’s hard when my husband is away for work but I no longer hate my life because he does. I have learned to build the life I want without destroying the life I have, to recognise this life’s challenges and tackle them head-on. And that has made all the difference.

In this blog post, I share what helped me move from simply enduring the time apart to finding peace and building a life I genuinely enjoy. How to Find Peace When Your Husband Travels for Work – Rhoda Bangerter